Upated Report on Chimp Survival in the Mauna Loa Caldera

The hypothesis was put forward that perhaps our chimpanzees could utilize heat resistant suits to aid them as a stepping stone during the breeding process with the eventual goal of successful colonization with out the need for the aid. This was not considered a cheat of the system since we already intend them to use scientific equipment and this could just be seen as an extension of that concept. Unfortunately the results were similar. In the initial experiment the chimpanzees expired almost immediately on contact with the surface lava, bursting into flames and ceasing to move very rapidly. With the addition of the suits movement was still visible up to the point where they sank to the bottom. Since none of the chimps made it to the edge of the caldera it has been assumed all of them expired and this is the data in the table below. Some researchers contend that this is inconclusive as we did not witness the demise of the test subjects. Further research is needed.

Initial Report on Chimp Survival in the Mauna Loa Caldera

*Note: This is an excerpt from a larger paper.*

Abstract:

                Evolution is a powerful tool but it is one that is hard to wield. It works over generations, not on individuals, so how can we use it to help make our modern life better and safer? The answer is, we can’t. Not in the short term, though it has potential as a long term solution. Our goal is to breed a special species of chimpanzees who have evolved to withstand the extreme environment that can be found inside a caldera. The purpose is to further research on active volcanoes and to provide an early warning system for eruptions. In order to begin this project the first step was to isolate a collection of chimps to serve as breeding stock for the program. The criteria to qualify for the breeding program included high intelligence, manual dexterity and extreme heat resistance. The final criteria is the most difficult to find so we decided to focus on heat resistance initially. The results were not encouraging. Of the 132 chimps that were air lifted into the Mauna Loa caldera there were zero survivors. Our team will continue revising the experiment and will continue to update the program as new data comes in.

Not only do magma whales exist, I have found one.  This species of whale seems to have adapted perfectly to the environment pictured below. At this point, Dave Parsons and I need to collaborate on the training of these magnificent creatures to retrieve those rare elements that have such value!

Magma Predators

Magma mammals often fall prey to magma predators such as magma wolves. Be extremely cautious if you sight a magma wolf as they often travel in packs...

Are magmamammals economically feasible?

Deep within the earth are rare elements which have been subducted at tectonic plate boundaries, and have sunk down due to their high density. If a magmawhale of some sort could be discovered, a carbon fiber "sludge bucket" could conceivably be constructed which we would then attach to the whale just forward of the flippers. These highly intelligent creatures could be taught to exploit the platinum iridium layer of the inner mantle and retrieve these very expensive elements. 

Beyond the magma chimp

With the recent discovery of the magma chimp, the looming question on many minds is what else could be there? This has driven searches all over the world for other magma mammals. An elephant was recently found near a magma flow.  Unfortunately, this particular elephant didn't seem to have the genetic modifications necessary to survive in such a hostile environment.

Magma Chimp

Recently discovered new species of magma chimp -


While on site at a volcano in an undisclosed location along the pacific 'rim of fire', my research team began documenting what we believe to be a newly discovered species of magma chimp. We are very excited about this possible revelation in magmamammology! Please see our sketch of this elusive creature below: